Three Panel Origin

Three Panel Origin

Best before May 27, 2015

Today, in 3PO history, I have taken a concept that was abandoned by a great figure in Comic History and brought new life to it.  That Creator was Bob Kane (I did a creator article about him) and that concept was his original design for Bat-Man.  So here, maintaining the complexity and emotional punch of Bruce Wayne's origin, I give you Bennett Wilson's origin. He is Ornithopter Man!

I Read: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

I Read: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

I have never read a book by a comedian before.  The only reason I read this one is because I found it in my parent's basement and had no idea how something like that got there.  I read it, and got a handful of chuckles.  Rather than give you a play by play, I'll just give you some of my favorite bits.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? by George Carlin

Illustration: Unbelievably, a Goldfish can kill a Gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.

Everything was somewhat organized under headings of the great man's thoughts (I love George Carlin, and I'm glad I read this.)  But here, I'll just offer you some, as George would say, 'free-floating hostility.'

• Read "A Modern Man"
• Men are Stupid and Women are crazy (because Men are stupid.) He also has other great passages on men and women.
• Euphemisms; the man was confounded by them. "I first became aware of euphemisms when I was 9 years old. I was in the living room with my mother and my aunt Lil when I mentioned that Lil had a mole on her face.  My mother was quick to point out that Lil didn't have a mole, she had a beauty mark." Relax and be happy that your pimples are seen by some as mere skin blemishes. He explores MANY more Euphemisms in the book.
• Why are people who believe in UFO's treated as significantly less credible than people who believe in the supernatural?
• He reduces the Ten commandments down to two: be honest and faithful, and try really hard not to kill someone else unless they don't pray to the same god you do.
• "Every child is special. An empty meaningless statement. What about every adult? Isn't every adult special? And if not, then at what age does a person go from being special to being not-so-special? And if every adult IS also special, then that means all people are special and the idea has no meaning. This embarrassing sentiment is usually advanced to further some position that is either political or fund-raising in nature. It's similar to "children are our future." It's completely meaningless and is probably being used in some self-serving way."
• Why is it the only time you ever hear the word figment it's in relation to the imagination? Aren't there any other kinds of figments?
• A GENERIC JOKE: A person walks into a place and says something to another person. The second person says something back to the first person, who listens to that and then says something back to the second person. The thing that he says back is really funny.
• Ignore these four words.
• Here's How money can buy happiness: Money gives you options, options give you breathing room, breathing room gives you control and control can offer you a measure of happiness. Maybe.
• The sky is not blue. It merely looks that way because blue is the name we have given that color.
• A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

Three Panel Origin

Three Panel Origin

For a good, clean, high.

It's that time of week again, and I have a new character and a fresh origin.  I present the first Superhero to gain her origin via recreational drug use.  This is Gold Rush!

I Read: Promethea - Book 1

I Read: Promethea - Book 1

Now its time to read over a graphic novel. It's a nice change of pace to read something visually instead of just textually.  And when its Alan Moore, its a great experience.

Promethea - Book 1 by Alan Moore & JH Williams III

Illustration: Promethea
Gorgeous. A knock-out creative team has created a story about story, and a new character. Promethea is the embodiment of creativity and imagination, and has existed as long as men have told stories. And she continuously reincarnates in various bodies along the way, finally entering the form of our hero, Sophie Bangs.
She comes across Promethea as a pulp comics character as well as an enduring character in poetry and folklore.  And like so many 'fish out of water' stories, she soon finds out that its 'all for real.'
And I don't mean to say that it falls into a familiar plot in a bad way.  Not at all.  If falling into a preexisting plot was universally bad, then I wouldn't like anything.  I don't think they make new plots, only new clothes for them.  And Promethea had some gorgeous outfits.
Moore creates a mythology in a flash that is both new, yet familiar enough to be comfortable in.  It also helps that it is drawn by the amazing JH Williams III, who's work always makes the most, both narratively and aesthetically, out of every inch of the page.  The panels are formed by Mucha-like frames and wreathes of roses.  The images are loaded with details, gags, and, when needed, negative space that gives the viewer both a full page and some breathing room.

Moore's writing is also wonderful, as well. He creates fun characters to follow as well as fun concepts to follow through the story.  In this world, there is a super-her- I mean SCIENCE-hero group called the Five Swell Guys, that float around on a hovercraft in business suits.  There is also a great gag in the leading comic character of the world: The Weeping Gorilla.  Funny not only for using a simplification of the human condition as a literalistic character for spewing morose one-liners, but also just plain silly fun.  Seeing billboards with a giant gorilla shedding a tear while saying "Modern Life makes me feel so alone," "Go on, ask me about my marriage," and "Can we hear that Radiohead track just once more?" is just a creative delight that makes the reading experience all the more enjoyable.
This was just the first volume of the trade paperbacks collecting this series.  It was a great start to an interesting comic and I look forward to reading even more.
Thanks Alan and JH!

Three Panel Origin

Three Panel Origin

Now with Vitamin Rob!

Another 3PO, and this one was hard to make.  I had to go against every artistic impulse I have to complete it. As a tribute to the artistry and legacy of Rob Liefeld, I present THE POUCH!

I Read: Sex Lives of the Popes

I Read: Sex Lives of the Popes

Relax! I'm not here to assault you, or anyone alive. I'm here to talk about history. Facts.  This book is about the realities of history, not about faith.  So relax a bit, and let's get into a dark bit of history with this one.  For all fans of history and intrigue, read this one.

Sex Lives of the Popes by

Illustration: The Groping Chair
Holy Sh!t! This was a fascinating read. At times amusing, this book sets out to focus on papal history in a way that is very different from the history I received in 12 years of Catholic education.  In short, the pope wasn't always an old man with a few things to say about theology, sociology, and political theory.  For much of the past 2000 years, he was an extremely influential presence in the western world who was quite often a sadistic, ambitious, and corrupt villain.  The book takes the story of the papacy from St. Peter to John Paul II, and explores the political, social, and sexual crimes of the holy see. Most of the accounts come from memoirs, letters, and contemporaries.  So while you won't find much of these vicious acts listed under some of these Saint's deeds, the accusations are as attested as the positive claims by the pope's themselves. So, equally credible and incredulous.
There are too many things in this book that are vile and evil to list off here, so I will shorten my list significantly by telling to read about 1 pope in particular to give you the idea of the kind of men the Holy Spirit selects for the job. Look up Rodrigo de Borgia, AKA Pope Alexander VI.  He is the most notorious of the already infamous Renaissance popes.
So, aside from that Spaniard, I'd like to pull out some of the interesting tidbits I learned in the course of my reading.

• Pretty much every Pope named 'Innocent' was responsible for atrocities. 
• Pope Innocent I fled Rome and let the Goth's rape and pillage, something he was accused of himself.  
• Innocent III loved jewels more than people. he oversaw the sacking of Santa Sophia with indifference along with Constantinople. He also persecuted the Cathars, who were forced to confess to sodomy by being lowered naked onto a red hot spike. (Chambre chauffe).
• Innocent IV approved torture to obtain confessions in the Inquisition. In the Black Book (penned by popes and cardinals) it says that you are guilty if you confess in part or not at all, and you can’t know what you’re accused of (if you ask you get tortured). If you confess to part of it, you are thought guilty of it all. Dominicans were the worst as they flaggelated themselves.  they loved the screams of the tortured. as it meant they were getting closer to god, for they believed torture leads to spiritual repentance, which inspired them to torture to the fullest reach of their ability. Prosecutions often began with threats or offers of leniency to torture,in this way parents were ordered to betray their children and vice versa.
• Innocent VIII released a papal bull that condoned, and even requested, the massacre of 'witches.' His Papal Bull acts as the Preface to the Malleus Maleficarum (Witches Hammer), one of the most disgusting and horrible books ever written.  Written by Dominican Monks Heinrich Krammer and James Sprenger, it outlined a militantly anti-woman worldview that required men of faith to torture and kill all who are suspected witches.  They would promise leniency in order to expose more people. they would lie and kill them all.
• Many of the popes were the sons or fathers of other popes.  That's mostly because priestly celibacy wasn't a mandate until 
• Convents oftentimes in the middle ages were simply discreet brothels where unwanted babies were killed and buried to avoid exposure. In Frace they were refered to as "Palaces of Pleasure."
• “Groping Chair,” The bottomless seat where the pope’s balls dangled down to be felt so he can be confirmed a man.They usually had a younger cardinal do this.
• Pope John XII, after a papacy full of brothels, depravity, violence, and mutilation, he was found in bed with a man’s wife and was bludgeoned to death.
• The Council of Piacenza in 1095 outlawed Priestly marriages, and they took the priests’ wives and sold them into slavery. Also they introduced the cullagium, or sex tax for keeping a concubine that was paid annually.
• Priests were feared for much of the middle ages by the women of their church, for it was widely known that many confessors were raping parishioners.
• Celestine II was a sadist, strapping a count to a red hot iron chair naked while a hot iron crown was nailed to his head.
• Gregory IX founded the inquisition in 1231. His chief lietenant was a freak named conrad. Conrad converted Elizabeth, the young widow of Thuringia. the 18 year old was forced to abandoned her 3 babies, then stripped and beaten until she was covered in blood. “If I fear a man like this, what must god be like?” and in strousburg he burned 80 men women and children to save their souls.  At first mutilation was not allowed. Instead, penitants were stripped naked and tied to a trestle, told “tell the truth for the love of god, as the inquisitors do not wish to see you suffer,” cords were tied around the arms and thighs, tightened until they told the truth, whatever that was. Then they used a winch and lifted the arms above their head behind their back. Another method involved stuffing cloth down their throat and dumping water over them.
• Sixtus IV installed Torquemada as grand inquisitor. He burnt 2000 heretics in one city. look up the trial of Elvira del Campo as an example of what they would do. The Inquisition lasted for 3 centuries and didn’t end until the mid 1800s.  Napoleon's troops were eventually the ones who set the last of those tortured free.
•  And don't even get me started on Popes named 'Pius.' (Pius V destroyed historical landmarks around rome, had prostitutes, Jews, and heretics burned to death, and had blasphemers' tongues burned out with a hot poker. Pius IX was an anti-intellectual book-burner who was the first to institute Papal Infallibility in the 1870s. Pius XII supported Hitler and Mussolini.)

Not a great collection of people, is it? These are just a few highlights.  Sure, popes don't strut like they did back then, but this book does bring up an excellent point: By looking at history, does it even remotely look like the Holy Spirit has been working through the Pope?
If so, then I am horrified to live in this universe.

Three Panel Origin

Three Panel Origin

A weekly dose to fortify your week!

Today marks the 3PO debut of of the first true professional in the vein of other Super-medical professionals like the Night Nurse and Dr Midnite.  Presenting the master of ear, nose, and throat, Dr. Snakehead MD!

I Read: Neverwhere

I Read: Neverwhere

I had only read Neil Gaiman's comic book work before. He's been one of the most interesting writers I have come across and I have wanted to read one of his novels.  After having a friend's copy sit on my shelf forever, I finally sat down and read it. It was only after I was nearly done that I found out it was a novelization of a BBC TV series he wrote.  Haven't seen the show, but it explains a few things.

Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

Illustration: The Fop with No Name
The first thing I gathered  from the book was that Neil Gaiman's prose is as great in novels as it is in comics.  I thoroughly enjoyed his writing.  Funny, poetic, and tactfully concise, I look forward to reading more of his work. I recommend reading this one.  Now, to get into the novel's contents.  Be warned, I will talk freely about plot points and characters, so if you haven't read it... don't read this. Everyone ok?  Good. Let's continue.
The plot essentially finds an everyman who stumbles into an injured woman that pulls him into a secret world of forgotten people in the underworld of London. This is a fascinating concept for a book. It essentially takes many of the concepts associated with the homeless, mixes in some magic, and makes a mythology out of it.  In our world, homeless people are constantly on the move, are almost instantly forgotten after you look away from them, and have an association with mental instability and can be prone to ranting, saying crazy things, and conversing with the non-existent.  In the world of Neverwhere, an entire civilization lives beneath us and in the forgotten places in the world, they literally disappear from people's view, exist beside insane things like talking rats, magical doorways, and supernatural beings, and they appear crazy to the 'above' world.  Neat, huh?
Now for how much I like the concepts involved (like the magic door-opener Door, the secret bartering culture, and nearly immortal maniacs that hold medieval court in a subway car) the story is a little bland.  It is a basic 'fish-out-of-water' story with an Alice in Wonderland type of quality to it.  And No, comparing this to Alice in Wonderland is not a good thing.  To me, Alice is a story about random and weird events happening to someone who thinks they are stupid.  Neverwhere has a bit of wonder at this fascinating world, but mostly, the main character has a derisive, angry, and frightened attitude towards the weird and random things happening to him. Well written derision at randomness, but still randomness.
And when it isn't random, its predictable.  What? There's a suspicious guy, who keeps doing suspicious things after the bad guys say they should suspect a traitor? I'm going to trust him. What? There is a powerful and trustworthy character I'm supposed to have faith in despite mysterious behavior? Traitor!There are many points that can be predicted relatively easily.  The villain is obviously the villain from the moment we are introduced to him.  Maybe that's the point, but it seems too subtle to be a tipping-off to the reader.  I think it mostly comes from the story structure itself.  It's so 'by-the-book' I guess I know it too well.
Also, our protagonist, Robert, is an everyman.  I'm not a fan of the everyman.  He doesn't quite have enough quirks to qualify as a personality.  He has very little curiosity in the magical world he has entered, and just wants to go back to his boring life.  I know that's the story we're used to reading, but it doesn't make it good, at least in this case.
Not that I'm saying he shouldn't miss or want something of his old life.  The underworld is filthy, violent, and full of smelly people covered in shit. The design of this world is based off of every homeless person, vacant lot, and dirty dumpster you have ever seen put together.  Not exactly the most beautiful place to be, not that it has to be.  I like a bit of grunginess and ugliness in stuff, but I know it can be too much for some.
It has some funny and interesting moments, and I love the concept of a house assembled from different rooms around the city, but it gets far too little use.  I could have had a large portion of the book exploring that.  I like the character Door mostly for her abilities, and less for her personality, as she doesnt't have much of one.  But on some level I think the concept needs stock characters in a stock plot in order to show it off.  I'm not entirely against stock characters.  I know their purpose, they are useful in getting reluctant readers into weird worlds.  I get it.  I'm just a reader who can easily pop into a weird world, and would like some interesting people to meet me when I get there.
The short of it is, I enjoyed the book for the writing and the concept.  The plot and characters were a little dull, but I recommend reading it, as Neil Gaiman can make words a joy.